| "im not mad at the girl who left, cause she couldn't be with me" - eli young band |
[08 Aug 2008|12:22am] |
so, haven't talked much about it, but we broke up :( ... go figure. its been hard not talking to her. you know, like a smart couple ending it, we decided to stay friends :/ no, actually being friends isn't that bad, we were best friends before so going back wasn't too much of a change. im lying though, my hearts broken and there's no fixing that when it comes to her. .... so schools starting soon thank god. ...im at this point where im looking at my life and im actually trying to fix the bad in it. quit smoking, going back to school, try harder at work, slightly eating better, being productive rather than sitting at home all day.
im just looking for a huge ass change to turn my life around!
"When it rains, i don't mind being lonely, i cry right along with the sky
when it rains, i don't pretend to be happy, i don't even have to try
cause when it rains, some people get down, sportin' a frown so i fit right in
yeah, the sun may brighten your day but if i had my way, i'd take the rain"
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(you made me smile)
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| separation anxiety |
[20 May 2008|02:35pm] |
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 sad |
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So, my girlfriend is leaving this weekend for new york. she's going for 12 days. To me, thats two weeks, everyone else keeps stating that it's only 12 days, hello 2 days shy of 2 weeks. Im happy that she's going to see family, she's going to have a great time over there but that's 12 days i don't get to see her. I know ill be able to talk to her every night but its not the same. Not to mention that since im temporarily at this other store, i haven't been able to see her this past week. so i guess in my head all i keep thinking about is how its going to feel like 3 weeks and thats way too long. the last time we were really apart was my cruise in december, and i mean horribly apart because i couldnt even call her from my phone. and the one time i got to talk to her, i heard her say hi and it cut out. i know im thinking way too much into this, but when you love somebody its hard being apart.
on the other hand, things have been rough between us lately. don't really know what it is but i could take a guess. im so torn to what i should do, and as bad as its going to be having her leave this weekend, a part of me is thinking that this may be good. she could come back and things could just go back to us being happy.
im so in love with this girl....how can i not be. she's just amazing! this is a girl that feels like daddy long legs are the most poisonous spider, but no one knows it cause their legs are too long for them to be able to bit anyone. and as ridiculous as that sounds, it makes me laugh everytime. just with that, i look at her and my heart melts. she's everything to me. things will be fine, given our situation we always make it through the rough patches...
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(you made me smile)
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| happy birthday laura |
[18 Dec 2005|08:19pm] |
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so, i wanted to do one of my famous paint things for you since i wont see you for a while and today is your birthday. i wish it was better and that i posted it earlier. but again happy birthday
(under the R it says, fi it were bigger, MUST BE 17 YEARS or OLDER)
crap i know but maybe ill get ya something better soon, lol.
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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| j.j. + m.s.( j.) and fam. |
[29 Nov 2005|10:42am] |
i was pushing myself so much to write exactly how i felt when i found out that these parents have actually been reading my livejournal. not only pretty recently but back to writings about my sisters wedding. i wanted to write in anger about how rude it is to go digging into my life. i must had been stupid to leave this thing open, to think that i didnt care if people i dont know read this, but not knowing that adults that i know and have known for quite some time have been some what secretly reading this. i trust my parents enough and they trust me enough not to have to read this because they know nothing horrible is being put in this, but i never thought i would have to think about others parents. that just crazy. learn to trust your kids. and their friends. geez.
i felt angry not only for the fact that this has been purposely spread across a family but think i was actually stupid enough not to think that you would actually have the respect not to read this, but whatever this is it. ive just completely lost respect for them.
i'd like to think that im not a bad person. and i know that my family isnt bad. and to know how much you've searched into my life is insulting. and this is it. the cut off for my life to be put in your hands.
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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[28 Nov 2005|02:04am] |
whats better than coming home and dropping that loud key hook twice. dad getting mad and you mad back. fighting and then sleep on an empty stomach.......waking up at 150am to make a delicious warm turkey bagel/sandwich with a nice refreshing drink. and not letting it bother you once that the microwave and toaster could actually generate enough noise to wake someone up. lol
o, the only downside is the fact that im limping around. basically i got to work and there were no pouches for me to get a pan(for those who dont get that, they had no money for me, lol) so they sent me upstairs and on my way down, so focused on not dropping the unbalanced pouches that were handed to me, i turned to go down the second part of the stairs and i rolled my ankle. i hear *snap* and im like great just great. so i walk up there fine and come back down looking stupid as i limp. then finally the pain went away and i was fine. until i went to sleep. now it really hurts. ugh! so ill be limpy tomorrow/today. lol but i know that still doesnt beat willy wonka. lol. *inside joke* alright, well sleep now, school tomorrow. kill me.
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(3 times | you made me smile)
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[24 Nov 2005|12:11pm] |
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o yea, i got a 1480. and in the end may just stick wtih my score. idk, i really do want to see if i can do better but...
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(you made me smile)
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| happy chrismahanakawanzaka, ha that makes me laugh |
[23 Nov 2005|11:39pm] |
so, im stuck between feeling....
"she's taking her time making up the reasons,
to justify all the hurt inside
guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes,
everyone's got a theory about the bitter one"
and feeling....
"there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming, confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling, i cant seem to find myself again,
my walls are closing in"
interesting eh.
so i went to get an oil change and basically it took an hour and a half. omg i almost went insane. i had that anger i get every so often that basically i just want to hit something. and i can feel like the anger pulsing inside and it drives me nuts. until i feel like crying because its just that horrible. i just couldnt sit there anymore and finally they finished, i was so relieved until i got home and my mom left the stupid garage sliding door on my side. omg i walked in and started yelling "are you fricken kidding me? is it that hard to move the damn thing over?", "can i have a hug?" no, not until you tell me that your going to stop being lazy and start moving that thing because im sick of always keeping you in mind but never getting the thought in return", "fine, can i have a HUG?", "yes, im sorry." then i proceeded to explain about the oil change, o and the fact that i need to replace 3 tires that are extremely worn down, and are about $103 a piece. stress free life here i come, haha never
thanksgivings tomorrow, my favorite holiday. the time when i found out that my parents never really wanted me. followed by christmas. the time when i moved from my real home 2 years ago. i love this time of year, lol. ok so yea im in a bad mood, what else is new. but ill be fine. i just wish that this year actual feels like christmas because last year definitely didnt, it just reminded me of how much i miss home. this year, has to be better. lol. ok well enough crap right. sleep required. i love alll of you guys that put up with my crap and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
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(4 times | you made me smile)
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[22 Nov 2005|03:16am] |
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music |
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linkin park-pushing me away |
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yea, so its 3 in the morning and i want to apologize ahead of time for the spelling errors that are going to be in this. well one reason mainly being that its 3 in the morning, and the second reason being that i am lying on the floor typing this with no clear veiw of the screen, lol. i know im a dork. and this is exactly why i need a wireless keyboard. ugh!
well, i dont know but i really havent been able to sleep lately. ive been downloading songs and just sitting. im tired and worried that im gonna end up over sleeping for work tomorrow and the sad thing is that i dont even have to be there til 3 (which i may go earlier if i able to for food, mmmm, lol) i got my SAT scores back and admitting that like a usual teenager, im very disappointed in how i did, but i really dont see how i could expect more, im not the smart person, lol. but i guess ill be taking it again and hoping that i get better, then ill just have the SAt subject and ACT left, lol. which i know that i dont need all these test for college, but even tho im not erally considering going to cornell now im still going to apply because by that slight.00000000001% chance that i do get accepted to cornell, it may change my decision of staying in florida. just have to see.
wow ok seriously sleep.
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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| "isn't it messed up how im just dying to be him" |
[16 Nov 2005|11:08pm] |
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music |
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311-all mixed up |
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ive come to the conlclusion that the only reason i dont update as much is because i cant stnd sitting on this fricken stool too long. so when im like i want to write this i think of the stool and decide to forget about it.
doctors. acid reflux-pills i have to take for the next two weeks. migranes may be cause by sinus problems- sniff flonase everyday for 2weeks as well. stomach pains- maybe be stressed related. he just wants to see if the go away in 2weeks. but it hurts now. not like icky pain but like one of the organs exploded pain, lol.
ive been on time for school all this week (3day, lol) proud of me? and have only skipped one class and that because we were going to great american teach in. 2 speakers in one day wasnt cuttin it.
i told my mom that i had a headache yesterday while at the doctors. i called it the rosa disease(RD) because she wouldnt stop talking about college. it was annoying. so i said. ive got RD. "well, doctor how did she die?....well she had a mild case of RD" omg my mom wouldnt stop laughing because of what i was saying. it was funny. then my aunt told me to eat oranges after my mom said not to drink orange juice because of the acids in it. and i asked my aunt if she was trying to kill me. she said yes, i want your life insurance. then i asked if she was that desperate for a hamburger to get my $2.50 life insurance check. "yes, im dying for a happy meal" that was great. my family is so crazy.
i hate how hard it is to get rid of a preconceived notion in your head. they way i want things to be will never happen that exact way. yet i still think about these little scenarious constantly, ugh. lol
dying without my guitar. and if barry has a party and i attend, i plan on getting shit faced. still proud? lol jk idk yet. but i want some fun for once. just once.
2days then break YAY
L O V E
I nstinct
E ssence
S O U L
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(you made me smile)
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| "no hero in her sky" |
[13 Nov 2005|08:56pm] |
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music |
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damien rice-the blower's daughter |
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i keep having this dream that im in the hospital and im crying. and basically i was just told that im going to die because of a problem they could have caught if only i was taken to the doctors earlier. and im crying because im mad at my parents and keep thinking back to the fact that ive always thought that im gonna die early from something (cancer, heart attack, or some other thing that also runs in my family) its an annoying dream because it some what worries me. but finally i have been told that i should expect a visit to the doctors this week(hopefully, which is something i never thought it would wish). its just getting worse. i havent really ate anything and when i do i feel sick. and i had this stomach pain the entire day, i felt like i was dying, ugh! soon!
went to sea world yesterday. which was fun. got soaked from a whale with 52 degree water. went through a net course which was so exhausting because i had to do it carrying my neice. pet a dolphin and some manta rays. saw sharks, manatees, otters, fish, etc. and went on a rollercoaster. im such a kid. lol but it was nice having the chance to be with my family. im a bigger sucker for that because that never really happened a lot when i was little. my brother, sisters and i were never really all together that close. feeling sick again.
"i cant take my mind off of you"
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(2 times | you made me smile)
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| damn it! |
[10 Nov 2005|10:46am] |
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 sick |
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mars volta- widow |
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im sooo mad. basically because im feeling like crap. that medicine that i took last night was making me so sleepy. i went to sleep and woke up at 2am because i was like spazzing out. i guess it was messing with my nerves, and there bad already so i basically kept moving like every 5 sconds. and not a slight move it was like a flinch here, a punch there, lol and i kept squeezing my hands together to try to overcome that feeling. ugh! so i went into the living room because it was hot in here and the cold of the couch was helping but it went away fast so i kept moving couch to couch. so i was just going through all three of these things likke ever 5mins. ugh so i got no sleep. my dad woke up for another one of his midnight snacks so i came back in here. i just passed out. work up at 745 and didnt even flinch knowing i was late. finally he realized i was still here and started yelling for me to get up. i said im not going to school so here i am. just finished calling out of work and calling lehrer for school. ugh, ive only called out of work once and that was important. other than that ive never called out. and now im forcedto because im sick and school is making me. ahhh fricken a. well the whole stomach pain is back so im gonna lay down this sucks
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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| sicky |
[09 Nov 2005|05:32pm] |
everythings been in the middle lately. not bad not good. more towards good tho i guess. lol but im getting sick and my throat hurts and if i sneeze one more time ill die. lol. i guess we arent going to orlando anymore. we may just go to seaworld or busch gardens.idk yet.
10days, wow i bet im coutning down to this day just as much as he is. but i love this kid to death and his 18th is so exciting.
so i have 7 absences first period. eeee not good. but im gonna try harder to make sure that i dont miss anymore days, or at least. that im not completely absent, lol. we got interim, and i have A(OJT), B(DCT), B(PHYSICS), I(CALC). not too good but o well.
:) well
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(3 times | you made me smile)
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| moving onward and upward |
[06 Nov 2005|10:05pm] |
i noticed im never the kind of person that can write a small update. here's an attempt
SAT's sucked and i find out the 21st my scores. seeing saw 2 friday w/my siblings. going to orlando next weekend with entire fam. starting to save money for my tattoo(s). im breaking out(which sucks so bad). need to start thinking up gift ideas. tooooo excited cuz as of tomorrow its about 13days. woohoo. i miss ashley. its never normal or good to go long periods of time not talking to her, so im gonna call ya wednesday if not before. i just work and dont want small crap talk. lol. o and something thats bothering me. (non-sense btw) lol. i dont like when people know more about me than i do about them. so people start opening up. or stop reading, lol. anyways that was random. sleep(hey its smaller than normal entries)
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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[01 Nov 2005|10:58pm] |
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crap man i have to say im lovin the new link for my lj. lol im a dork
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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| my confidence is leaving me on my own |
[01 Nov 2005|03:02pm] |
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mood |
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geeky, uh when am i not. lol |
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music |
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shinedown- save me |
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How did I get here
And what went wrong
Couldn’t handle forgiveness
Now I’m far beyond gone
all i have to say is UGH! lol. basically i was stressing that i wouldnt have enough time today before work. so im washing my clothes and the clock says 4 and i have to be at work at 430, and im in a desperate need of gas and had to go get the change in my room and the change in my car so that i can add it together ($6.25 not including pennies) so i can go get gas lol. i am officially out of money. so im here freakin out, thinking it 4 i could drive to kash n' karry and get dollars so i dont have to go with change to the gas station,then ill get gas come home get dressed as quickly as possible and go to work and all i have to say is
ASSHOLES lol no one ever change the clock in the living room so instead of 4 its 3 and i have an hour and a half before work. ahhhhhhhh. not only that but i broke my computer chair, lol. basically its on of those crappy brown ones and th back of it already broke cuz not only do i push back to hard on it, lol but i lean into the chair and on the chair when i sit so finally the leg just bent over and i have this hug bruise on my leg. i know its really cuz im fat tho, lol. so now im just kneeling in front of my computer writing this crap,lol. o well
***all i have to say is if you really think you can make it up to me. well go for it, but i dont see the point im just not too sure of anything right now. im distant because i thought there was something but i guess theres not, especially to yopu. right now im just trying to get the a place in my mind where ill be completely fine with whatever happened of may happen. so idk let me know whats what i guess-you know who you are***
so i actually made it to calc today to take a test that i knew clearly i was gonna fail. but if i did better than rhiana on it. which i highly doubt. she will flip out beyond belief. so i really hope i did at least crappier than her which for me shoudnt be that hard.
i decided im not making this friends only. i shouldnt have to hide what i want to say. if your reading this crap it was your decision and im happy that people take an interest in my life, even tho it is quite boring. but im not gonna put myself through the trouble of hiding things unless thats what i want. i know this isnt clear but whatever. if you want to read all im gonan say is go for it.
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(you made me smile)
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| came and went |
[30 Oct 2005|11:19am] |
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music |
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my girl- ugh! damn publix |
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yesterday was alright i guess. last years was a whole lot better tho. dinner was fun. especially when we got the crayons and me a james drew this fantastic picture. but i didnt take a picture so this is what i can remember it looked like buti know there was much more to it...
then i passed james the butter and he made this joke about eating the blocks of butter as his dinner so we told him he had to eat one. then he proceeded to add salt, pepper, peppercini, lemon, pizza cheese, sugar, and salad on it and they video taped him eating this, it was so disgusting but too funny as well. dinner was great and even better when i realized that brett anderson was joining after making the statement, "wow, that looks like bretts car" that was great.
we went to james' and took more pictures, and then ali's car wouldnt start. so after getting it to we decided that i would drive us, so we switched out car, and finally got there. no one was really dancing, just socializing cuz i guess people just had started to show up. finally we danced and it was ok. the song were alright but the dj wasnt the best. it was way too hot in the gym adn way to cold outside. so we were always in and out. afterwards ali and james decided to go home and krystle and i met up with ashlei and brendan and friends. it was cool just hanging out. then went home, slept. forgot my clock wsas still forward so i woke up an hour early. worked, and felt like dying. and now im gonna sleep. but i must say, i thought that the worst date i could have ever imagined was the one with eager josh, lol. i learned that im a feeble minded person. and i guess i am mad about what happened. but o well.
o, and i have to remember to brngs my drugs, alcohol and mints for our halloween party in physics tomorrow. i figured that would go good with the strippers (male and female) and condoms. lol. the list of things to bring was weird.
also, im putting an r.o.i. form in tomorrow. i figure it couldnt hurt and kevin suggested i should
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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[29 Oct 2005|11:03am] |
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music |
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des'ree-kissing you |
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wow, so i got absolutely no sleep, lol. no actually i got like 3hrs. but since ive been upt il 1 almost every night this past week it feels like i took a 5min nap. *yawns* so, im getting pretty nervous about tonight but thats just me, happened last year too. i was looking at the picture i have of ryan from last years homecoming and i know we all had a great time and i wish he was here to experience this night with us. its crazy what happened this summer with him. but i know a lot of people miss him which really would of made his day to know a lot more people cared about him than he thought. so, yesterday vanessa showed me that she got a tattoo. it was cute, it was a butterfly on her foot. lol she was so happy it was funny. but yea so i asked her how long it took fr her to convince her parents to let her to that. and apparently she didnt ask, she just went and the place didnt i.d. her. and so i told her that i should to that too. and she was like so excited telling me come on you have to go, if your parents find out what are they gonna do remove it, thats a huge amount of money to do. omg it was so funny. and then i told her that uve always thought about asking my brother to take me since he's 17yrs older than me and has the same name as my dad so technically he could be my dad lol. and then i wouldnt have to worry about the whole age thing. so im really considering it, like a 98%yes-2%no consinderation. lol. and ali decided he's going to go wtih me, so im gonan get a tattoo on my ankle and on my wrist. i just dont know of what yet. i have osme idea of one that i want but i dont knw where lol. im so picky. which i guess isnt a bad thing since ill have it for the rest of my life. hmmm well soon
 maybe ill do something with this. ive always loved this. clad rings are awesome,lol. i know im a dork. o well your friends with me so your all stuck with me jk
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(2 times | you made me smile)
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| no such a good update, lol |
[27 Oct 2005|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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idk |
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music |
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coheed & cambria-a favor house atlantic |
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so here's the thing. ive been finding out a lot lately that people have started it. publix has started to talk about me, lol. after all the work i put into making strong connections, trusting people and trying to stay out of the "talk" ive been sucked in by, well, my life. lol. wendy said she had to ask me "something" and im thinking, here we go again, another person who has been well informed about the fact that im being a little more honest in my life. so i said ok. and she proceeds to ask me, "do you like krystle?" (WTF) who said this to you? (wendy) well i dont want to say, there was like a group of kids up stairs. but is it true? (me) can you be a little more specific to as who was in this particular group...and i dont know. i really dont know (wendy) o no i cant tell you. ugh, i spent most of tonight trying to get her to tell me who has been talking about me. its not like im looking to beat someone up or to make some huge speech or anyhting, im not looking for anything except to know who has been talking. because obviously they didnt respect me enough to tell me or not inform anyone else about it. idk, she said she would tell me tomorrow. i guess it just bothers me, idky it just does. geez. all the more reason to look for a new job.
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(1 times | you made me smile)
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| a quicky |
[26 Oct 2005|12:37pm] |
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i have a day filled of actual work. i need to move forward with all that im behind in but i have to write this. I WENT TO MEXICO. i couldnt donate cuz i went to mexico last year in december, and i didnt even get off the ship at Costa Maya(which is where you cant go if you want to donate blood within a year) so now i have to wait until fricken december. AHHHHHHHHHH. but no the could poke the hell outta me before, wtf. that is so messed up. whatever, so 2 blood donated t-shirts and exactly to drops of blood. lol. thats all i donate. soon very soon. but for now i have a load of stuff to do so adios amigos-as lol
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(you made me smile)
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